Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What the "Dr. Laura" Incident Means to Me

By now, just about everyone who has an Internet or television connection has heard about what radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger said to the interracially married black woman who called in for advice about what to do when her white husband's friend insist on talking "black" and black issues in her presence. Dr. Laura's N-word rant has provided plenty of blogosphere fodder from every point of view.

As an interracially married black woman, I see this whole issue slightly differently than most. From where I'm standing, Dr. Laura's use of the N-word is barely relevant. After all, she's a talk show host known for being-- and indeed, expected to be--incendiary. In the world of media advice, there are really only two possible responses: controversial and politically correct. Both are geared toward generating the approval of their listeners/viewers. Neither are really in the business of actually offering useful advice--especially not to interracial families. How can they? At bottom, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil-- and any other radio or TV "dr" currently on air-- are entertainers.

My hope is that the African American woman who called Dr. Laura knew this: and wanted to see what kind of crazy, kooky response the host would give. If that is the case (and some believe that it is) then, Dr. Laura stepped into the trap laid for her, it's all very entertaining, illustrates nothing more than our usual two-faced, black-white dialogue and I really could care less.

But my greater concern is that the caller might have been looking for real advice... and that is where I see a real issue for black and white families-- and indeed interracial families of every mixture. The fact is that, for the woman caller-- and for other mixed families-- these questions, concerns and issues come up frequently. Where can we go for advice in tricky situations involving the comments of family members and friends? Where do we get insight--not from entertainers-- but from other spouses, parents and experts who really understand the special nuances of being in an interracial or intercultural relationships?

I know there are many websites and blogs discussing these issues in one way or the other. Many who follow this blog run those sites--and are doing that work. But even though interracial marriages are on the rise, even though there millions of us, in the mainstream of American culture, we have yet to successfully aggregate our resources in ways that make us fully able to help each other. We haven't found ways to maximize our power. Instead of being able to offer each other support and solutions on the trickier aspects of integrating two (or more cultures) we end up either trying to pretend those issues don't exist, or getting "Dr. Laura-ed" into racially divided camps.

Where do we go to talk to each other candidly and honestly about the problems that confront us within our families? How do we spread the word about the existence of those experts and resources that already exist? How do we organize and disseminate information that enables interracial couples and families to navigate the tricky waters of a society that either reduces racial issues to the "N-word" or would rather pretend that racial tensions don't exist at all?

In my own searches on these questions, it seems that interracial family magazines, blogs and programs often have a short shelf life (unless they are organized around a legal issue like multiracial classification, see www.projectRace.com-- or around dating and mating). I'm not sure why that is. Do we fail to support each other? Are we unaware of each other? Are we stingy with the resources of time and money that can make or break these crucial clearinghouses? Are there still "too few" of us to make it work? Or, on some level, are also a little afraid of a real dialogue on these issues?

Personally, I don't believe that any of the above are true. I think the time is now to explore race and racism WITHIN families, not simply in terms of the family against the wider world. I'm eager to know of other sources, and eager to be involved in ways that we can provide more support to interracial couples and families. I'm eager to contribute what I know-- and to learn from others' experiences. I'm eager to provide real knowledge to other couples and families on exactly what works when friends and family members bring racial tensions-- or when they happen within the home.

If not us--those of us who have been and are "in the trenches"-- who? No one deserves to be "Dr. Laura-ed"--and that's exactly what will continue to happen unless we can find a better platform to share our stories and strength with each other.

8 comments:

  1. In days of reading about this shall I say debacle, this is the first thing I've read that makes any sense and goes more than surface deep. We've all been about as hysterical as the not-so-good doctor.

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  2. I would agree that we all missed the point that this woman wanted help to manage an issue that was IRR related. I know that until I started really searching for a 'support community' online and found the blogs that I thought I was alone in my dating choices. There are no formal go-to places online or off for this issue and this is probably why the caller felt the need to call-in. The truth is that even though there are many women in IRR they are scattered so it is not always possible to find that support in real time.

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  3. But my greater concern is that the caller might have been looking for real advice... and that is where I see a real issue for black and white families-- and indeed interracial families of every mixture.

    Hi there Karyn

    I think the fundamental problem that confronts a support/advice project for interracial families is the assumption that all interracial families are founded on progressive principles (or are trying to be progressive) are well meaning and the partners have based their relationship around the belief of equality between races and common humanity as would be suggested by two different races coming together. I think this is a nice idea I find many progressives would like to hold but it is a bit naive!

    The problem is that many are not progressive or modelled around progressive racial equality principles, and as a result, a whole host of problems eventually arise within these relationships because they were in the first place founded upon, or more likely formed despite the same toxic ideas about racial inferiority and racism in the wider society (except maybe a milder version or a version that crops up under certain conditions) existing unaddressed within the two individuals involved.

    I also have noted that when you bring interracial families together physically, some other dynamics can come into play, and you may find that one family or both have ideas and beliefs that are threatening and or are demeaning to those of the opposite combination.

    One instance springs to mind and if you bring a bm-ww relationship together with a bw-wm in any sort of group interaction or purpose, you may fast discover (and I am going to give this example because I have come across it often) that because the bm-ww relationship was in some way precipitated because of racio-misogynic notions of the inferiority of bw and even the trashing of the white male identity, the interactions can be damaging to the black woman even the white man!

    This is the problem I have observed when we 'bring' all interracial and intercultural groups together, you end up finding that many of the members are not as 'open minded' as an interracial relationship would suggest or has been made to indicate. How indeed can a black woman thrive under such conditions where she is reminded in a variety of ways that the reason for the founding of the other opposite relationship is because she is deemed inferior/less than.

    In my view general mixed race relationship spaces are not safe spaces for black women. As a bw i have come to notice this.

    I hope I have not totally gone off point!

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  4. Hello Halima,

    I don't think you're off point at all: you're right, interracial and intercultural relationships come in all ideologies and assuming that we all approach our relationships from a progressive point of view is probably naive.

    Here's where we disagree.

    While it's true that some IRRs can be tainted with the pervasive stereotypes of our culture, I would argue that MALE-FEMALE relationships in general are tainted with notions of female inferiority and with stereotypes that make women seem "less than". Extending your point to the logical conclusion, you could argue that in general, ALL male/female relationships are not "safe spaces" for black women, since black men are just as acculturated toward patriarchy as men of other ethnicities, and unfortunately, have internalized many of the same negative stereotypes about black women.

    That would ultimately mean there are no "safe" relationships for BW: patriarchy and racism would combine to make all relations potentially dangerous and unsafe. Relating to others IS dangerous: but it's absolutely necessary in spite of the shoals of personal and cultural forces-- and black women choose to take on those dangers and often find their relationships fulfilling in spite of those perceptions and undercurrents of inequality. That's why I think support forums are so important. Women of all cultures are always navigating gender with the men in their lives; women in IRs are navigating gender and race. It's constant education and re-education. It's tough, but as long as both partners are willing to work-- or if they have agreed on gender/racial roles--they can enjoy mutually satisfying relationships.

    To me that's the gap in the Dr. Laura "debacle"-- to use Francine's word. It offered nothing on the attempt to navigate the trans-racial current in the relationship: it simply made a judgment on the relationship itself. In a way, Dr. Laura also found the relationship "unsafe": she was just too uncouth to put it so kindly!

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  5. Hello Halima,

    I don't think you're off point at all: you're right, interracial and intercultural relationships come in all ideologies and assuming that we all approach our relationships from a progressive point of view is probably naive.

    Here's where we disagree.

    While it's true that some IRRs can be tainted with the pervasive stereotypes of our culture, I would argue that MALE-FEMALE relationships in general are tainted with notions of female inferiority and with stereotypes that make women seem "less than". Extending your point to the logical conclusion, you could argue that in general, ALL male/female relationships are not "safe spaces" for black women, since black men are just as acculturated toward patriarchy as men of other ethnicities, and unfortunately, have internalized many of the same negative stereotypes about black women.

    That would ultimately mean there are no "safe" relationships for BW: patriarchy and racism would combine to make all relations potentially dangerous and unsafe. Relating to others IS dangerous: but it's absolutely necessary in spite of the shoals of personal and cultural forces-- and black women choose to take on those dangers and often find their relationships fulfilling in spite of those perceptions and undercurrents of inequality. That's why I think support forums are so important. Women of all cultures are always navigating gender with the men in their lives; women in IRs are navigating gender and race. It's constant education and re-education. It's tough, but as long as both partners are willing to work-- or if they have agreed on gender/racial roles--they can enjoy mutually satisfying relationships.

    To me that's the gap in the Dr. Laura "debacle"-- to use Francine's word. It offered nothing on the attempt to navigate the trans-racial current in the relationship: it simply made a judgment on the relationship itself. In a way, Dr. Laura also found the relationship "unsafe": she was just too uncouth to put it so kindly!

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  6. I think some feminists have actually argued that women are oppressed within marriage because of the unequal status currently existing with men and women lol! Anyway I was possibly a bit unclear because I would never and was not arguing against the internal interracial space (i.e. between the bw and her white husband or the space within the interracial family itself) which would means I was arguing against interracial dating for bw, something I would never do! I am however raising doubts that all assorted interracial combinations can safely come together in harmony.

    A black woman can to a great extent ‘control’ or ‘grow’ the environment she wants with her husband (which is what I think Jade was in the process of doing hence the call to Dr Laura for some ideas on how to do this successfully), but the external interracial space (where mixed race couples of all sorts and all combinations mingle or share or try to work around 'interracial family type’ issues) is a place where racio-misogynic ideals and ideas unaddressed or even endorsed by others can come to bear. Such ideas can impact black women negatively.

    An acquaintance of mine (who had an input in my book and runs such a general ‘all mixed race couples of all sorts come together’ online group ) is mixed race (identifies as black), with a white mother and told me the issue of white mother-‘black’ daughter schisms within mixed race families is a huge issue that is brushed under the carpet. Could it be that the unaddressed racist-misogynic ideas of black womanhood existing within mother and father (that they didn’t care to address or even revelled in), suddenly became problematic with the arrival of an identifiably black daughter? I guess I would have to ask my acquaintance!

    Put plainly, if a bm thinks he is best man and the white women is the best woman, in a group where such ones come together with bw for the purpose of working around mixed race family issues, what effect with these underlying beliefs -and the myriads of little ways in which this notion is put into practice- have on the atmosphere and esteem of the black woman in the midst.

    I suppose minority women could, if they so choose, come together to support themselves!

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  7. Hey there Halima,

    I think I did misunderstand you-- I even decided that this must be a post from a different Halima! LOL!

    I'm glad you raised the questions about WW-BM couples and their bi-racial daughters. I know there are some women in WW-BM couples who follow this blog. I wonder if they'd be willing to comment on the dynamic-- or perhaps do a guest blog?

    These issues are very difficult because they are so deeply ingrained in our culture. I've written a bit about how I often react differently to requests made by my "black" daughter than I think I would my "mixed" daughter--in the attempt to be honest about how unconscious notions about racial identity play out in my own mind. If, as you suggest, external spaces are unsafe, then it seems to me within families or relationships we owe it to each other to be bitterly and brutally honest-- and we need to especially honest with ourselves. We need to be willing to constantly challenge what we're thinking and saying about race to our partners and our children and where those notions/beliefs come from.

    I think interracial couples/families are under so much pressure to prove that "race doesn't matter" that we sweep our issues under the rug when we speak about these matters outside the family. Admitting to problems means hearing "I told you so" from those skeptical about the foundations of our relatinships. Admitting to problems seems to confirm the beliefs of some that marrying outside your race is a bad idea. That's the thinking that Dr. Laura enunciated--and one of the reasons that multicultural families don't seek advice.

    But the truth is that race matters in our families, too... and it doesn't. To say that it doesn't exist for us is a much a lie as to say that it's everything. The reality is that it's complicated-- just as it is in the external world.

    Oh dear, this is getting long-winded. I feel a follow up post coming on.... LOL!

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  8. Great perspectives and discussion.

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